The remarriage of a parent can be a very traumatic event for a child depending upon the child’s age, maturity and his or her relationship with a parent who is remarrying. The wedding, even if the child is included in some way, is a major event. I have found that children under the ages of five, are often unable to process what is happening. Children between ages five and seven, sometimes blame themselves for the divorce, itself. In this age bracket, a child understands what is happening, is able to articulate a reaction, but does not understand why she or he cannot control events that are swirling around.

A wedding is the culmination of many events. It signals a formal ending of the possibility that the parents will reconcile. It is the apex of a series of pre-wedding activities in which the child may participate but his secondary to the process. The wedding symbolizes a realignment of roles between the child and the parent, and signals a formal entry of a step parent into that child’s life. That step parent is given recognition and authority by virtue of the marriage.

It is advisable for the child whatever the age, to meet with a mental health professional during the planning stages of the wedding, so as to give the child a platform in which to express feelings about the events that are about to transpire, about the new step parent and about how this new arrangement affects the parent child relationship. The therapist should be made available after the wedding as well, so as to smooth out the wrinkles of misunderstanding which can develop around such a momentous event. It is understandable for a parent to be very involved with the wedding. But it is also understandable for a child to be upset by the wedding and the festivities, both prior as well as after.

Even if the parties lived together prior to the remarriage, and even if the child lived with the parties who were living together prior to the remarriage, the new marriage signals a formal realignment of all of the relationships. The recognition of this arrangement even if it does not appear to be “new” is paramount to the child’s successful adjustment going forward. All of the participants should give pause to how the wedding, the pre-wedding activities as well as the post-wedding activities affect a child.  It goes without saying, that the goal is for the child to accept the new arrangement. In order for this acceptance to be wholehearted, preparation and attention is needed.

WHAT A MAN SHOULD WEAR TO COURT

You will be appearing at a court for a matter that is of great importance to you.  It is, therefore, imperative that you wear appropriate clothing.  The preferable attire is a suit or a sports jacket and casual dress pants (not jeans). Your clothing should be similar to that which you would wear to a religious occasion, not overstated and not casual.  If you are inclined to wear jewelry, it should not be expensive jewelry and the jewelry should be kept at a bare minimum.  An inexpensive watch is acceptable and no more than one ring should be worn.

The courtroom has microphones and if you have occasion to speak, please be aware that the microphones do not amplify, but they merely record the proceeding.  You should respond to the Judge by speaking clearly and should always stand up when speaking with the Judge.  If you nod your head, the microphone cannot record that.  You must, therefore, answer in the affirmative or in the negative with a clear yes or no. The courts do not allow speaking in the courtroom while other matters are being heard and no one is allowed to read any paperwork other than court documents.

It is important that you do not wear any perfume/aftershave lotion in case the Judge is allergic to it. We try to anticipate avoiding any negative reactions that can be avoided. Be sure not to bring a pocketknife, nail clippers or any other sharp implement, which may set off the metal detector through which you must enter at the courthouse. Also, increasingly in the courts due to heightened security, the court officer will confiscate any cameras or cell phones or palm pilots with a camera feature, and retain the camera (cell phone or palm pilot with a camera feature) until 5:00 P.M. causing you possible inconvenience. We recommend that you do not bring anything with a camera feature with you to court.  If you bring a cell phone, you must turn it off before you enter the courtroom because if it rings while court is in session, the judges are quite severe in their reaction.

WHAT A WOMAN SHOULD WEAR TO COURT

You will be appearing at a court for a matter that is of great importance to you.  It is, therefore, imperative that you wear appropriate clothing.  The preferable attire is a dress or suit or a skirt and a blouse. You should not wear pants.  Your clothing should be similar to that which you would wear to a religious occasion, not overstated and not casual.  For shoes, you should wear plain pumps and nylons, not sandals or sneakers. If you are inclined to wear jewelry, it should not be expensive jewelry and the jewelry should be kept at a bare minimum.  Simple earrings are acceptable, an inexpensive watch is acceptable and no more than one ring should be worn.

In Massachusetts the courtroom has microphones and if you have occasion to speak, please be aware that the microphones do not amplify, but they merely record the proceeding.  You should respond to the Judge by speaking clearly and should always stand up when speaking with the Judge.  If you nod your head, the microphone cannot record that.  You must, therefore, answer in the affirmative or in the negative with a clear yes or no. The courts do not allow speaking in the courtroom while other matters are being heard and no one is allowed to read any paperwork other than court documents.

It is important that you do not wear any perfume in case the Judge is allergic to it. We try to anticipate avoiding any negative reactions that can be avoided. Be sure not to bring a pocketknife, nail clippers or any other sharp implement, which may set off the metal detector through which you must enter at the courthouse. Also, increasingly in the courts due to heightened security, the court officer will confiscate any cameras, or cell phones or palm pilots with a camera feature, and retain the camera (cell phone or palm pilot with a camera feature) until 5:00 P.M. causing you possible inconvenience. We recommend that you do not bring anything with a camera feature with you to court.  If you bring a cell phone, you must turn it off before you enter the courtroom because if it rings while court is in session, some judges are quite severe in their reaction.

DIVISION OF HOUSEHOLD GOODS

One of the least favorite aspects of divorce for judges is the division of household goods.  Amongst themselves, lawyers and judges refer to such division as the division “pots and pans”.   As distasteful as this may be to the court, it still has to be done. Typically the courts do not have any interest in personal property unless there is value such as in an antique, motor vehicle, boat or airplane.

It is very helpful to all concerned if each party would make the list of what he or she seeks to retain from the house. Sometimes, arrangements can be made for a viewing of what’s in the house, but often that is not possible. Once a spouse is out of the house typically the courts will not allow that spouse to reenter the purpose of making a list of what she or he seeks to remove from the house. It is all the more important for each party to make such a list for leaving the house even if that list includes items which ultimately the leaving party may abandon. At least with a comprehensive list, each party knows what is there.

Such a list should be made by room to room. For example, in the kitchen there are literally pots, pans, dishes and glasses. Sometimes there are two sets of each and sometimes there is one set of some of the items in two sets of other items. The more detailed the list is the better off the parties are. In this way no items are overlooked. On the other hand paper goods and inconsequential items like paper towels and foodstuff should not be divided, but left to whoever remains in the house. If someone has an extensive wine collection, then that should be divided. But in the ordinary household where some wine may be kept, then that ordinary wine should not be raised as an issue of this session, if only because the value of the wine is often less than the value of time to take to divide

Once each party has a list of the items in the house organized room by room, then each party should list out specifically what she or he wants so that the parties together and come up with a uniform list of at least some of the items and where those items will go. A disputed list can then be drafted and it is that disputed list that needs to be addressed. There are several options to deal with disputed personal property.

One way to deal with disputed personal property is to flip a coin to determine who will have the first choice of the first item, then each party should alternate selecting an item.

With regards to valuable properties such as an art collection, then typically the pieces of art are appraised so that the art is divided according to value as well as according to the desires of the parties.

Lastly, once everyone determines what will happen to the personal property, that list should be attached to the divorce agreement to avoid any disputes in the future.

JUDGE SHOPPING

In Massachusetts, a judge is assigned to hear a case such as a divorce or separation, according to when the case is docketed. When a case is filed with the Probate and Family Court, a docket number is assigned to each case as the case is filed at the courthouse. The cases are assigned numbers in sequence. If for example a courthouse has four judges, then each charge is assigned 25 numbers. Each judge is assigned a series of numbers so that a judge will hear all of the cases within sequence with the docket # having the last two numbers that fall between zero and twenty five. In Plymouth County for example, Judge Menno is assigned the numbers that fall between 45 and 69. Therefore a case in Plymouth County with a docket number with the last two digits as 60, will be assigned to Judge Menno and that case will only be heard by Judge Menno.

Once a case is assigned a docket number with the last two digits falling between 45 and 69, every time that case is heard by a judge, that judge will be Judge Menno. In order to better serve the public, a judge needs a context within which he or she hears the case, therefore, every case is specifically assigned to one judge.  In the past, a case would simply be heard by whichever judge was sitting each day. It was found that there was no continuity for the litigants by using such a system and such a system also fostered judge shopping.  That is, if a litigant didn’t like what he or she was hearing from one judge, then the litigant would select a day that another day that another judge would be sitting. The new system of assigning every case to a specific judge addresses this problem.

Our present system requires the litigants and their attorneys to determine what day the assigned judge will hear a matter such as a motion, before selecting a court date. Some counties have each judge sit on a certain day of the week and hear certain cases on that day, for example Judge Menno hears motions on Tuesdays. It is incumbent upon whoever has a Judge Menno docket number, to select a Tuesday. The problem is further complicated when a County has two courthouses, such as in Plymouth County where there is one courthouse in Brockton, and another courthouse in Plymouth, because the judges then rotate between the two courthouses. For example, Judge Menno sits mostly in Brockton, and one week a month he sits in Plymouth.

Even with all these complications, the system is better than that which was done in the past principally because the system that is in place, resolves the problem of judge shopping.  The litigants have no choice of judges and once a judge is assigned to a case then that judge always hears the case.

A SAMPLE VISITATION SCHEDULE

Mid-Week:

It is the intention of the parties that both parents will be integrally involved with the life of the child on a daily basis is possible.  However, the parties are cognizant of the realities of life, and have agreed that the Wife will move to the xxxxx area, but that additional moves for the child shall be discussed before such move so as not to remove the child unnecessarily from either party’s access and so that both parties may have input into the educational opportunities to which the child may avail himself in the town in which he lives and school system in which he is enrolled.

When the child is in school:

The Father shall have alternating weekend visitation with the children, every other Friday at 5:00 p.m. to Sunday at 5:00 p.m., unless there is a Monday holiday in which event, the Father will return the child on Monday at 5:00 P.M. with transportation to be shared equally by the parties.

During the week, Father shall have visitation with the minor child twice per week, on days to be agreed upon, from 5:00 P.M. to 8:00 P.M. with transportation to be provided by the Father.

When the child is not in school:

The Father shall have alternating weekend visitation with the children, every other Friday at 5:00 p.m. to Sunday at 5:00 p.m., unless there is a Monday holiday in which event, the Father will return the child on Monday at 5:00 P.M. with transportation to be shared equally by the parties.

During the week, Father shall have over-night visitation with the minor child twice per week, for two consecutive days from 5:00 P.M. through the second day at 5:00 P.M. with transportation to be shared equally by the parties. 

Vacations:

If Mother intends to be out of town, Father will be allowed custody of the minor children during the time that Mother is away.  Likewise, if Father intends to be out of town, the Mother shall be allowed custody of the minor children during the time that Father is away.

Each party shall have two (2) weeks uninterrupted summer vacation with the children during the year.  The Father shall notify the Mother of his vacation schedule by May 1st for the up and coming summer in Odd years.  The Mother shall notify the Father of her vacation scheduled by May 15^th for the up and coming summers in Odd years, taking time that the Father has not selected.  In even years, this arrangement shall be flip flopped.

Each week shall commence at 5:00 p.m. on a Friday through the second Sunday thereafter at 5:00 p.m.  During each of the scheduled vacations with the children, the vacationing parent shall both pick up and drop off the children.

School Vacations:

February Vacation: Odd years with Father and Even years with Mother.

April Vacation:                                 Odd years with Mother and Even years with Father.

Each week shall commence at 5:00 p.m. on a Friday through the second Sunday thereafter at 5:00 p.m.  During each of the scheduled vacations with the children, the vacationing parent shall both pick up and drop off the children.

Christmas Vacation: Each party shall have one half of the Christmas school vacation, with the Mother having the first half in all Even years and the Father having the first half in all Odd years.  The first half shall commence at 12:00 noon on December 26th through 5:00 p.m. on December 29th; the second half shall commence at 5:00 p.m. on December 29th through New Year’s Day (January 1st) at 5:00 p.m.

Easter:                                               Commences 4:00 p.m. on the Saturday before Easter through 5:00 p.m. Easter Sunday.

Odd years with Mother and Even Years with Father.

Mother’s Day The Children are always with Mother, commencing 10:00 a.m. on Mother’s Day.  If Mother’s Day falls on the Father’s weekend, this day shall not be made up on another weekend.  If the Father has visitation, he shall bring the children to the Mother’s home.

Father’s Day The Children are always with Father commencing 10:00 a.m. on Father’s Day through 5:00 p.m. on Father’s Day.  If Father’s Day falls on Mother’s weekend, this day shall not be made up on another weekend.  If the Mother has visitation, she shall bring the children to the Father’s home, the Father shall return the children at 5:00 p.m.

Fourth of July:                                 Commences  9:00 a.m. on July 4th through 5:00 p.m. on July 5th.

Even years with the Father and Odd years with the Mother.

Halloween (evening):                    Commencing 4:00 p.m. to be returned home by 8:00 p.m. by the Father, or Mother if Halloween falls within Father’s visitation.

Even years with Mother; Odd years with Father.

Thanksgiving:                                 Commences 9:00 a.m. Thanksgiving Day through 5:00p.m. the Friday after Thanksgiving.

Odd years with Mother, Even years with Father.

Christmas: Commences 12:00 noon on Christmas Eve, through 12:00 noon on Christmas Day.

Odd years with Father and Even years with Mother.   Christmas Day commencing 12:00 noon through December 26th at 12:00 noon.

Odd years with Mother and Even years with Father.

Additional 3-day weekends:

Whoever is scheduled to have the child on the Saturday/Sunday of these weekends shall keep the child on the Monday holiday as well, until 5:00 p.m.  However, if Father is working on the Monday holiday, he shall return the child by 5:00 p.m. on Sunday:

Miscellaneous:

Child’s Birthdays: The child’s birthday shall be spent with whichever parent has the child.  The other parent shall have the right to call the child on his birthday.

Child’s Activities: This Agreement and the visitation will supersede all the child’s activities unless the parties agree in advance to activities which may fall on the other parent’s weekend, in which event both parents will be obligated to take the child to such activities.

Each parent shall have reasonable telephone access to the child during the other’s visitation periods.

Alternating weekends shall continue after an interrupted holiday or vacation visit as if the holiday or vacation never occurred.

LITIGATION: THE TRADITIONAL PROCESS FOR DIVORCE

Litigation is a process where one or both parties (“litigants”) file a court complaint to give a judge the authority to resolve family disputes.  The Judge is either appointed by the Governor or an elected official who, after hearing each point of view, makes a decision.  If the hearing is for a limited portion of the dispute, then that hearing may result in what is referred to as a “temporary order.” While the hearing itself may only last for five minutes, the effects of the resulting order may be far reaching, determining such things as the amount of support to be paid, where the children will live, or even whether or not one litigant should be mandated to leave the home. Temporary orders often influence what a judge will ultimately issue as a final order. If the hearing or trial is scheduled for the entire matter, then both parties will have an opportunity to present their entire story or “case,” along with witnesses who may testify on a variety of matters such as the value of assets, the ability of a litigant to have custody of the children, or events that occurred during the marriage.

Since the courts are typically understaffed and overbooked, many hours are frequently lost while litigants wait to be called. At any time during the wait for a hearing, a litigant has the right to pursue mediation or engage in settlement discussions. Litigation can be very expensive since many hours of preparation are required prior to a court hearing and family law attorneys are paid by the hour. Litigation is also stressful for the participants since the outcome is solely dependant upon the judge’s impressions gleaned from what is presented in a structured and often limited hearing.  The judge’s picture of the relationship of the parties is obtained from a small lens, and the judgment or decision often fails to resolve problems to the satisfaction of both litigants. In fact, a good decision is often said to be one in which both parties are somewhat unhappy. A judge has wide discretion and unless a decision is found to be seriously flawed by legal standards, it is typically not appealable. And with appeals, the process only becomes more expensive and time consuming with limited promise of success.

By litigating, parties grant a stranger the authority to make even the most basic decisions about their family.  Frequently, a divorce will start with litigation but will end by way of a negotiated settlement, either with or without mediation. Few family law disputes are resolved by a full trial.  However, even when a judge enters only one or two temporary orders prior to a matter settling, such orders have the ability to significantly limit the final outcome. Retaining control over the process from start to finish through alternative dispute resolution is optimal. Of course, in a case where the parties refuse to agree, litigation must continue to be available and there are those situations, where there is abuse for example, when litigation remains the only option.

THE ADVANTAGES OF A TRUTHFUL FINANCIAL STATEMENT

The courts have a philosophy of open book discovery, which in short means that you need to fully disclose all of your finances and assets to the other side and to the court.  It is interesting that during the courtship phase of marriage, in a traditional relationship, the “he” often picks up the tab while the “she” often graciously accepts. During the dissolution of a marriage, that sentiment changes.  The reality is that the sooner everyone “fesses up” as to what they have, the sooner the case is in a position to settle and reach an end.

The participants in a divorce have had an intermingling of funds and assets to one degree or another. It may be that not every asset will be divided equally or even at all if the terms of a prenuptial agreement governs, but full disclosure is usually mandated just the same.

Where there is lack of full disclosure, suspicion and distrust results. Consequently, suspicion and distrust lead to increased legal fees, because attorneys must “dig” to find assets. It is that very suspicion and distrust that gives rise to untold anger, not only in reaction to the exaggerated legal costs, but because parties feel that they may potentially be cheated out of what. in their estimation. is rightfully due. The unwillingness to be forthright fuels concerns about an unjust result.

While the lack of disclosure altogether is an issue, the lack of speedy disclosure is equally as troublesome and can be as costly.  To receive information in piecemeal is frustrating to the waiting party. Providing current information in an open manner as quickly and as often as possible engenders good will and fuels the belief that the negotiations will be above board and honest.

HOW TO ORGANIZE DIVORCE RELATED DOCUMENTS

We recommend that you maintain a 3-ring notebook containing four sections in order to organize all of the documentation, which we will be forwarding to you during the course of these proceedings.  The first section, Pleadings, will contain motions and complaints.  The second section, Financial, should include financial statements which we will be preparing before our first court appearance.  Judgments/Orders, the third section, will include any Orders entered by the court and any Agreements or Stipulations.  Finally, the fourth section, Correspondence, will include all letters we send to you, as well as copies of all other letters that we forward to you.  You should keep the most recent documents at the front of each section.  This notebook will assist you in keeping all documents in an organized fashion.

You should request that your attorney copy you on all correspondences, financial documents and pleadings sent or received on your behalf so that you can better understand the litigation. Upon receipt, you should file these documents into your notebook.  This will reduce your legal fees, as you will have fewer questions for your lawyer.  When you do need to call your attorney, it is important to make a list ahead of time of the questions you have, so that the contact will be more meaningful and fruitful, again the net result will be that you will have a better understanding of what is going on, and will also be able to keep your legal fees under control.

If you change attorneys, you can bring your notebook with you so that the prospective attorney can review what you have to assess the reasonableness of the switch, and better predict the cost of the litigation if you plan to make the change.  Organization, is clearly the key to a more successful outcome with more reasonable attorneys fees incurred to achieve that outcome.

WHAT YOU CAN REASONABLY EXPECT FROM YOUR ATTORNEY

In order to become an attorney, an individual needs to graduate from college, complete law school, and pass a bar examination specific to the state where he or she hopes to practice. Additionally, most states require attorneys to pass an ethical examination. The process is arduous and challenging.  Qualities and qualifications most important in choosing a divorce attorney are ethics, experience, and responsiveness to client’s needs.  A person must be comfortable with his chosen counsel, believing that his or her attorney is not only able to meet his or her needs, but is also able to clearly explain the process while willing to take the time to answer questions along the way.

At the end of the process, the attorney is licensed to dispense advice or speak on behalf of people to advance their position.  Family Law is a specific area, which requires an extensive knowledge of the law and demands patience.  There is a standing joke that the difference between a criminal litigant and divorce litigant is that the criminal litigant is on his or her best behavior during the process while the divorce client is on his or her worst. A good divorce lawyer will refer the client to a competent therapist or at least suggest therapy during the process, as the unavoidable stress of a divorce has been seen to have untold physical and emotional effects on people. The more emotionally healthy a client is, the easier it is to settle the case.

It is realistic to expect the attorney to return client calls within a reasonable period of time or if the attorney is in court or otherwise engaged, for someone from the office to respond.  It is also realistic for the attorneys to return phone calls to opposing counsel.  It is reasonable to expect to have a meeting at some time with the attorneys and both parties, in an effort to resolve the divorce, and arrive at a meeting of minds regarding the divorce.  The purpose of this communication is to receive and send the required information, assemble that information into some reasonable way to begin to bring the divorce to conclusion.  If the divorce cannot be concluded by the time these meetings take place, the courts will have a hearing to give recommendations for settlement, so that the process can move towards settlement.